These are scenes from the February 28, 1995 production draft of the script for the episode The King is Back written by Tracy Tormé. These scenes did not make it into the final episode due to time and story considerations.
As always, a gem from Tormé. Right at the start we have a fantastic missing bit of alternate history...
TEASER
FRED (O.S.)
Ethel! Come here right this
instant!
ETHEL (O.S.)
(innocent, but knows
she's in trouble)
Oh hi, Fred.
FADE IN ON:
INT. PRISON - NIGHT - TRACKING DOWN A PRISON HALLWAY
following the steps of a fiesty WOMAN LAWYER, only five one, with Little Orphan Annie hair and a hybrid demeanore: part cunning fox, part pit bull. She recently gained notoriety defending wealthy brothers who murdered their parents...
FRED (O.S.)
Ethel, you've got some explaining
to do!
(audience LAUGHS)
Ricky says you and Lucy were
cooking up a scheme to get Little
Freddy into show business!
The prison hallway is sleek and surprisingly clean - this is a federal pen, and a high profile one at that. Briefcase in hand, and flanked by two prison guards who dwarf her, the lawyer walks briskly toward the last cell on the left.
ETHEL (O.S.)
Well... what if we were?
INT. PRISON CELL - NIGHT - QUINN MALLORY
is lying on his bunk, quietly watching a little black and white TV - the source of Fred and Ethel...
FRED (O.S.)
I expressly forbid it! Little
Freddy's gonna grow up to be a
landlord, like his old man, and
that's final!
ETHEL (O.S.)
Waaaagghhh!!
Quinn looks up, sits up, as the door to his cell opens and the intense little lawyer steps in. As usual, she gets right to the point.
*The conversation with Quinn and his lawyer is the same, until we reach the end of the conversation*
LAWYER (cont'd)
The sad truth is, this is your
world, and you're in trouble.
(stops pacing)
Did you hear me, Quinn? This is
your world.
Quinn glances at the TV - the FAMILIAR THEME, played by a brassy big band, is ending now - we see end titles which run over a big satin heart, embroidered with I Love Ethel...
QUINN
(soft, ironic)
No it isn't.
TV ANNOUNCER
(as music reaches
crescendo)
I Love Ethel is a Willi-Van
production.
And then into the courtroom for a famous Ito and an infamous escape...
And originally the Sliders were supposed to first find a way to Quinn's handcuffs off...
ARTURO
(half-whisper)
Gentlemen... check your flies.
The three male Sliders give a quick look - all three flies are up.
The couple has passed by, still pointing and LAUGHING as they go...
WADE
Maybe this is the happy planet.
QUINN
Or maybe it's these handcuffs.
ARTURO
Regardless, we do need to have them
removed.
EXT. IRV'S LOCK AND KEY - DAY - ESTABLISHING SHOT
of a locksmith store whose storefront lettering says: Irv can lock or unluck anything. After all, he's been doing it for 43 years!
INT. LOCKSMITH - DAY - WIZENED OLD IRV BLINTZ
is working on removing Quinn's handcuffs - he is wearing extremely thick glasses which give the impression that his vision must be terrible. Irv speaks to Wade in a slight Yiddish accent, asking about Quinn's cuffs...
IRV
Before I take these off, I need to
know... is he an escaped con?
WADE
(laughing)
No way.
IRV
Pervert?
WADE
Not that I'm aware.
IRV
Magician who lost his key?
REMBRANDT
He's a magician alright - made me
disappear from my home planet!
Irv's ancient eyes wander to Rembrandt.
IRV
You must be here for the
convention.
(no response)
The Crying Man convention at the
Oakland Hilton? All the top
Rembrandt impersonators are
gathering there - I saw it on the
news.
Rembrandt looks to his friends, his face slowly brightening as he digests what he's just heard.
REMBRANDT
You mean to say there's a whole
batch of people trying to be The
Crying Man, on this world?
(to Sliders)
Do you realize what this means?
ARTURO
Yes. It means you're popular
here - which means we're definitely
not home.
REMBRANDT
(choked up, starting to
tear)
It means that this world just can't
get enough of me! Think about it!
Wade and Arturo roll their eyes as Rembrandt wipes away the first tear. At last, Irv frees Quinn from the cuffs, then notices that Rembrandt is weeping...
IRV
Pretty good. You almost can't tell
it's an act.
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY - HAVING EXITED THE LOCKSMITH
a prideful Rembrandt wipes away a final tear, puffs his chest out a little, and takes a deep, satisfied breath...
REMBRANDT
It's a good feeling, isn't it? I
mean, we may not have made it home
yet, but we've finally reached the
paradise planet.
WADE
(looking around)
Not exactly my idea of paradise.
REMBRANDT
Look beyond the material things,
girl! On this Earth, I am loved
and appreciated the way I should
be. That must mean folks have
elevated their minds to a higher
plane.
WADE
Oh good grief.
(indicates Arturo)
I know his ego is the size of the
Grand Canyon, but I forget
sometimes that yours is right there
too.
As they jaywalk across a pretty quiet boulevard, the two men simultaneously reject that idea...
REMBRANDT/ARTURO
(simultaneous retort)
Hey, hold on/now just a minute Miss
Welles/I'm a humble kinda guy/ I'm
renowned for my modesty --
They both cut off an nearly keel over (Rembrandt jumps a foot in the air) as a passing woman pedestrian suddenly lets out a BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM.
And we saw what happened from there...
The next missing scene begins a small string of appearances by Gomez Calhoun's mother...well, as much appearance as she ever made anyway...
REMBRANDT
Nine weeks? How-sweet-it-is!!
CALHOUN
You must know all that - being a
Crying Man impersonator and all.
REMBRANDT
Uh, right, sure.
CALHOUN'S MOM (O.S.)
And not a very good one, neither!
He don't look nothin' like the real
King. The real King had class...
and he was much taller.
ARTURO
Ah yes, your ever present mother.
But...
(looks around, frowns)
... how can she see us?
CALHOUN
(leaning forward,
quiety)
Hidden camera. Don't worry - got
nothing to do with our guests.
It's just to check up on me.
Calhoun winks at them, perfectly content with being spied upon.
INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAY - THE SLIDERS
are trying to relax and put recent stressful events behind them. Rembrandt and Arturo are playing gin - Quinn is lying on his stomach, facing the TV - Wade is lying the opposite way on the same bed, her head propped up by pillows. Q and W are watching the OFF SCREEN TV set with interest - all the characters seem very annoyed with someone named The Skipper...
GILLIGAN (O.S.)
That weather balloon was our way of
getting off the island! But you
had to set it on fire to see if it
was flammable!
CANNED LAUGHTER
SKIPPER (O.S.)
Sorry little buddy. Guess I really
messed up this time.
MR. HOWELL (O.S.)
This time? You can do nothing but mess
up, my boy! (CANNED LAUGHTER)
Beginning with piloting The Minnow
straight into a storm, like a
complete moron. (CANNED LAUGHTER)
WADE
Wow... they're being kinda rough on
the Skipper.
QUINN
The poor guy's quivering under the
assualt. They just never let up.
From there, we pan over to Rembrandt and Arturo's card game...where Remmy's luck seems to be endless in this dimension...
At the beginning of Act Two, Captain Jack originally had a much different act in his office than the three sisters we saw...
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. CAPTAIN JACK'S OFFICE - DAY - ANGLE ON PEQUENO
a singing group made up of five Mexican boys in disco outfits, ranging from six to twelve years old. They are stiffly moving in unison to a prerecorded LATIN/SALSA BEAT, their hands spinning in 'locomotive' motions, their feet moving left to right and back again, flatly singing a familiar song...
PEQUENO (SINGING)
There's a lady who's sure... all
that glitters is gold... and she's
buying a stairway to heaven.
(switching to Spanish)
Hay una mujer que esta... segura
que todo lo que brilla es oro... y
compra un escalera a cielo --
CAPTAIN JACK (O.S.)
Gentlemen, gentlemen, please!
ANGLE TO INCLUDE THE MAN whose interruption halted Pequeno in its tracks. "CAPTAIN" JACK BRIMM is a balding guy in his near the end of his rope, perpertually pained by the curveballs life keeps firing his way...
CAPTAIN JACK (CONT'D)
You're singing Zeppelin here - you
gotta give it some life, comprende?
Jack's long-legged, not too bright SECRETARY enters the room, interrupting the worried manager.
SECRETARY
Jack, there's a Pam Jensen from
Channel Seven here to see you.
CAPTAIN JACK
(quietly stunned)
To see me? Wow... it's been so
long since we've had any press.
SECRETARY
Well, don't forget, that Crying Man
convention's in town.
CAPTAIN JACK
(a little bitter)
Right, of course. Send her in.
PAM JENSEN, a pretty African-American, age 28, enters the room followed by a two-man camera crew. A smiling Jack senses a self-promoting opportunity, as he offers his hand to Pam...
CAPTAIN JACK
I realize you must be here to do a
retropspective on my relationship
with The King. But before we
stroll down memory lane, let me
give you a glimpse of the here and
now for Captain Jack Brimm and his
stable.
He nods at Pequeno and pops a new cassette in the tape machine...
CAPTAIN JACK (CONT'D)
Meet Pequeno! The only constantly
bilingual act in show business.
They perform in English - then
immediately repeat every word in
Spanish - a true act for the
nineties!
This music is remarkably similar to the last selection - a LATIN/SALSA BEAT - to which Pequeno listlessly breaks into the same left-right steps...
PEQUENO (SINGING)
Hey, hey mama, like the way you
move... gonna make you sweat, gonna
make you groove - Oye, Oye, mama,
me encanta como mueves la cadera,
te voy a dejar sudada, te voy a
dejar encantada.
CAPTAIN JACK
Pequeno offers all those Menudo
fans, the alternative they've been
waiting for.
Pam somehow manages a weak, polite smile.
CAPTAIN JACK
Okay boys, take cinco.
As Pequeno trudges out of the room, Jack pulls out a professional head shot book that features his other acts.
PAM
Uh, excuse me, but --
CAPTAIN JACK
-- Just give it a second, you're
really gonna like this.
He opens the book to a glossy still of AN ASIAN COWBOY, singing and playing guitar...
CAPTAIN JACK
Waylon Chong, one of the most recent
signings - the hottest country and
western singer in all of Red China.
The next still is of a BALD STRING BEAN playing stand-up bass.
CAPTAIN JACK (CONT'D)
The Bass Ace. Some claim the bass
is the worst instrument for a
soloist - but hundreds of satisfied
senior citizens beg to differ.
The next still is of CEZANNE BROWN singing in a lounge. He is billed as The King's Brother.
CAPTAIN JACK
The King's Brother. Some say he
can't sing a lick, and that he's
just a cheap imitation of the King.
I say... so what? He's still the
King's brother, right?
(leaning forward, frowning)
So tell me, Pam... how come the
cameras aren't rolling?
PAM
To be honest, we're just not
interested in those other acts.
CAPTAIN JACK
(long sigh)
Of course not. You've come to ask
about Rembrandt. That's all anyone
remembers me for.
(shakes head sadly)
Well, what's the angle this time -
eight years Friday since he kicked?
PAM
Angle? You mean... you haven't
heard?
INT. MOTEL 12 - DAY - THE AMAZED SLIDERS
are watching the motel TV, completely stupidfied.
ON SCREEN: Irv the locksmith is being interviewed from inside his store...
IRV
I know it was the real Crying Man
the minute he walked in! Tricked
him into signing this receipt...
(holds up receipt, cackles)
Handwriting experts confirm it's
his signature! And now, this
little piece of paper is worth its
weight in gold!
The Sliders look at one another and Quinn changes channels.
ON SCREEN: a clip from an old Rembrandt movie - The Crying Man is wearing a lei and riding a surfboard, waving his arms to keep his balance, in front of a poorly done rear projectino of the ocean. A SUPER at the bottom of the screen tells us the film was called Purple Hawaii...
REMBRANDT (SINGING)
I'm surfing on an oceant of tears...
Feels like I've been weaping for
years... My little island girl, has
set my mind a whirl... I think I
need to sink a couple of beers..
OUR REMBRANDT
Ugh. Who wrote that tune?
From there it is as we saw it...with one noteworthy note. The man who comes on the television screen claiming that Quinn was Jim Morrison? The script lists him simply as...EXPERT.
When the live feed goes to Captain Jack's office on the television, he originally had some pictures of The King late in his career to show...
ON SCREEN: a live feed from Captain Jack's office, where he is leading Pam Jensen through a room totally devoted to the memory of Rembrandt.
At the moment, he is pointing out a number of blown up stills of Rembrandt, probably taken on a Vegas stage in the latter half of his career. This Rembrandt has a medium-large Afro, wears a rhinestone tux, and has put on a good forty pounds...
CAPTAIN JACK
This is what I lovingly call "the
fat Rembrandt wing." Devoted to
that period when The King really
took a bite out of life, and it all
went straight to his waistline.
A SUPER is running over the live feed: "Live from the office of Captain Jack Brimm, Rembrandt's manager and the man credited with guiding his career".
CUT BACK TO THE MOTEL ROOM where our Rembrandt is beside himself.
REMBRANDT
Captain Jack! I can't believe that
guy was managing my double! When I
split from the Topps, he begged me
to take him on. Swore up and down
he'd take me right to the top!
And that's where the scene reverted back to what we saw...
The original script also had an explanation for how everyone knew Rembrandt was at the Motel 12...not to mention a more inventive way of getting him past the mob outside...
REMBRANDT
Girl, my music could soothe the
savage beast - and my personality
is just as disarming. I'll just
give 'em all a quick hello and
request some privacy for me and my
entourage.
WADE
Entourage?
REMBRANDT
You know what I mean!
Rembrandt is actually looking forward to this as exits the room.
The other Sliders wait pensively... Within seconds they can hear THE MASSIVE RISING SOUND OF FANATIC SCREAMS coming from the area surrounding the motel.
It's obvious that Rembrandt and his fans have met face to face.
ARTURO
I remember when those four mop-tops
evoked a similar response. I wanna
squeeze your hand - yeah, yeah,
yeah - disgraceful tunelessness
that appealed to mankind's lowest
common denominator!
WADE
Oh Please. Are you actually
trashing The Beatles?
ARTURO
Is that what they were called?
WADE
So what is your cup of musical tea?
Slim Whitman?
QUINN
Nah, I think the Professor's a Sex
Pistols kinda guy.
ARTURO
Don't be foul, both of you. Real
music is played by classically
trained musicians, not
pre-pubescent "grunge-meisters"
who've yet to discover the
existence of a fourth chord.
Suddenly, there's a frantic POUNDING on the door. They can hear MUFFLED CRIES coming from the other side. Quinn races to the peephole and looks through, then quickly unlocks the door.
REMBRANDT races in, his hair ruffled, his clothes torn. He hurries to lock the door behind him...
REMBRANDT
Those people are animals! They all
want a piece of me - and I mean
literally!!
ARTURO
Such is the price of fame, eh
Mister Brown?
REMBRANDT
And I loved every minute of it -
wel except for when that old lady
put a vise-lock on my butt. Lord!
WADE
Well, if you loved it so much, why'd
you come back inside?
REMBRANDT
I may've loved it girl, but I
couldn't have survived it! There
is such a thing as too much love.
QUINN
(indicating TV)
Look!
ANGLE ON THE MUTED TV: Pam Jensen is speaking to the camera, standing at the edge of the gathered crowd outside the motel. Behind her, we can see that the Motel 12 vacancy sign now read: Crying King, Lizard King and Pavarotti, here!!!
QUINN (CONT'D)
So much for the mystery of how they
found us.
ARTURO
This is totally unacceptable! I
refuse to become a prisoner of this
fanatical hysteria.
He goes over and puts on his coat.
WADE
What're you doing? You can't go
outside!
ARTURO
I have no intention of mingling
with that rabble, Miss Welles. I'm
going to give the management a
piece of my mind. Then I shall
insist on a police escort to get us
the hell out of here!
INT. MOTEL 12/FRONT DESK - DAY - ON GOMEZ CALHOUN
belly-laughing. We can hear A CHANTING CROWD outside the motel...
CALHOUN
Police escort! Be reasonable,
Mister Pavarotti --
ARTURO
Are you truly that clueless? Do I
sound Italian?
CALHOUN
I thought Pavarottie was Swedish.
Arturo is momentarily speechless.
ARTURO
Let's get back to the point. You
had no right to advertise our
presence on your billboard.
CALHOUN
(wringing his hands)
That... that was Mommy's idea.
CALHOUN'S MOM (O.S.)
Are you giving my boy a hard time?
(to Gomez; before Arturo
can answer)
Did ya tell him about the rate
increase?
CALHOUN
Not yet. Maybe you should.
CALHOUN'S MOM (O.S.)
Due to suddenly increased market
value, and circumstances beyond our
control, your room rate just
tripled.
ARTURO
That is absolutely outrageous.
We're moving out. Now.
CALHOUN'S MOM (O.S.)
(cackling happily)
Oh yeah? Just try it. Step
outside mister big shot Opera star,
I dare ya!
Arturo is determined to find a way out of this mess.
ARTURO
I firmly believe that most people
(staring Gomez down)
are reasonable, when made aware of
all the circumstances. If I can
just make them listen... perhaps we
can put an end to this calamity.
He moves to the door... hesitates, hearing the muddled sound of the crowd in the street. Arturo glances back at the expectant Gomez Calhoun, takes a deep breath... and steps outside. For an instant, the OFF SCREEN sound of the crowd seems to come to a stop...
ARTURO (O.S.)
(fast)
Ladies and gentlemen, please, if I
might have your attention --
Suddenly the CROWD NOISE grows, we can hear excited SQUEALS and individual voices SHOUTING OUT...
FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
It's him! It's the King's friend!
MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Yeah! It's that opera guy! Get
him!! Don't let him get away!!
ARTURO (O.S.)
Wait a minute!! Hear me out!!
You're making a mistake!!
EXT. IN FRONT OF MOTEL 12 - DAY - ON PAM JENSEN
speaking into the camera, at the edge of the crowd scene.
PAM
The man at first believe to be
Pavarotti made a sudden appearance
and was mobbed by the happy group
of fans.
PULL BACK to see Pam is being watched on a 12-inch TV, situated on the front porch of a rustic cabin.
PAM (CON'D)
Although it has been confirmed that
the real Pavarotti is on stage in
Europe at this very moment, the
delirious crowd still wanted to
reach out and touch this man, who
is apparently a confidant and
travelling companion of the
resurrected King.
KEEP PULLING BACK
to reveal the rugged outdoor work boots and tough Levis of the lone man watching the news report.
ON SCREEN
a wide-eyed Arturo passes THROUGH THE FRAME, being passed around on the hands and shoulders of the crowd, like a delirious fan at a rock concert.
PAM (CONT'D)
Only a thin blue line of police is
keeping these fans from storming
the Motel 12. And their patience
seems to be running thin, as they
await another appearance by
Rembrandt Brown himself.
REVERSE ANGLE
to reveal the severely frowning man watching the TV on the porch. He has a beard, and his hair is somewhat long and unruly... but the face is unmistakable.
He is this world's Rembrandt Brown, and he is very much slive...
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
FADE IN:
EXT. MOTEL 12 - NIGHT - A POLICEMAN
at the front edge of the crowd, is approached by Captain Jack, in tandem with his secretary and CEZANNE BROWN.
CAPTAIN JACK
Excuse me officer, but you have to
let us enter the motel.
COP
My orders are, no one gets in.
CAPTAIN JACK
(covertly flashing his
license)
You don't understand... I'm Captain
Jack Brimm.
COP
The Captain Jack? I thought you
were dead too.
Jack closes his eyes for a moment - that comment really stung. Jack indicates Cezanne...
CAPTAIN JACK
Do you know who this is?
(looks around first,
whispers)
It's The King's brother.
Cezanne covertly flashes his license. The cop studies Cezanne's face, hesitating, impressed by who they are but still uncertain about letting them pass...
CAPTAIN JACK (CONT'D)
(arm around cop)
I'm gonna let you in on a little
secret... I've been contacted about
doing a world-wide, Rembrandt Brown,
pay-per-view special, tomorrow
night. How'd you like some tickets
to the show?
INT. MOTEL 12 ROOM - NIGHT - CAPTAIN JACK
is on his knees, hugging Rembrandt's legs, earnestly begging for forgiveness.
*This scene we saw - it's where Jack explains the million dollar take for the event. But toward the end of the conversation after the other Sliders have stated they want the 8 million in cash right after the show...*
CAPTAIN JACK
Now just hold on - who are you -
all of you?
The Sliders share a quick look before Rembrandt steps forward and answers...
REMBRANDT
They're my new managers.
CAPTAIN JACK
Then what am I supposed to be?
QUINN
You're the luckiest guy in the
world. You get to be middle-man on
the pay-per-view of the century.
WADE
Yeah. And you can even have our
commission. Ten percent of eight
million's not too shabby.
CAPTAIN JACK
But I get fifteen percent!
REMBRANDT
Not anymore. Ten percent - split
down the middle with my big
brother. Even though he's a no
good snake.
CEZANNE
Right on. And this no good snake's
gonna help get you out of here.
But first, we gotta change clothes.
Off Rembrandt's puzzled look, we CUT TO:
INT. MOTEL HALLWAY - NIGHT - THE BROWN BROTHERS
stand side by side, having switched their clothing. Cezanne has added a few touches to make him look even more like The Crying Man...
REMBRANDT
Just doesn't seem right. You're
turning yourself into a human
guinea pig.
CEZANNE
Don't worry bro. I like the
attention.
(takes deep breath)
Think of it this way... for a few
moments... they'll all love me like
they love you.
Rembrandt doesn't know what to say. Cezanne takes a deep breath before stepping out the door. He winks at Rembrandt, then races out into harm's way.
The ROAR OF THE CROWD is immediate and deafening.
Rembrandt's first instinct is to go after him - but Captain Jack and the other Sliders are urgently beckoning him from the other end of the hall.
WADE
Come on Rembrandt! Now's our
chance!
A reluctant Rembrandt moves to them, and together, they slp through a little used emergency exit at the back of the motel.
And as we know, Rembrandt sees his "red sled" in the alley and is entranced...until Maurice Fish cold cocks him, that is. Another note, the original script calls Maurice Fish The Crying Prince.
And just in case you were wondering...Maurice's "look" was intentional. Here's a snippet of his description...
The Prince is a Rembrandt impersonator, but there's a heavy dose of howling queen/Little Richard in his interpretation.
Some of the biggest changes to the script occur after Rembrandt is kidnapped by the Crying Prince...
QUINN (O.S.)
Rembrandt!
The Prince hurriedly drags Rembrandt into the open back seat - then jumps in the car and races back in reverse, scant feet ahead of the pursuing Quinn. He pulls a high-speed u-turn - Quinn manages to latch onto the side of the car and is dangerously dragged along, struggling with the kidnapper.
The Prince sharply fishtails the Caddy and Quinn loses his grip, tumbling to a stop against some trashcans in the alley.
Quinn gets back to his feet, largely unhurt, and watches in silent desperation as the Caddy zooms away, its license plate reading CryBaby.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - MORNING - CLOSE ON REMBRANDT
in a sitting position, waking up very slowly. Someone is rapidly pacing back and forth before him, but he has yet to focus his eyes...
CRYING PRINCE (O.S.)
You did it Maurice - you pulled it
off and bagged the big cat himself!
But what am I surprised - you
alllwaaaays get your man!
Rembrandt realizes that he's tied to a chair in a corner of the room. He GROANS a little, tries to focus...
REMBRANDT POV: the flamboyant, effete Crying Prince comes INTO FRAME and into focus, leaning forward, examining Rembrandt...
CRYING PRINCE (CONT'D)
It really is him, too. I know that
face like the back of my hand.
Rembrandt's vision is still a little blurry, but as he glances around the room, he doesn't see anyone else...
REMBRANDT
(groggy)
Who're you talking to?
CRYING PRINCE
I'm talking to myself - an
occupational hazard of spending so
much time on the road.
Rembrandt shudders and closes his eyes, trying to shake the cobwebs from his head. He forces himself to take another look at the CRYING PRINCE, who's added feathers, chiffon, and eyeliner to the Rembrandt look. Rembrandt is repulsed...
REMBRANDT
This must be Hell.
CRYING PRINCE
You're not deceased, bisquit,
that's why you're here. Allow me to
explain.
(prancing, circling the
chair)
When you "died", you created a
whole industry. There are HUNDREDS
of Rembrandt impresonators staying
in this hotel, at this very moment.
REMBRANDT
So?
CRYING PRINCE
So when you came back, you put us
all out of a job, permanently. Who
wants to see us, if they can see
the real thing?
REMBRANDT
(looking him up and down,
grimacing)
You've got a point.
CRYING PRINCE
Besides, my little sausage, your
reappearance is doing you terrible
damage - and as your most devoted
fan, I can not allow that to
happen.
REMBRANDT
What the hell are you lisping
about?
CRYING PRINCE
Don't you see? You left this world
at the perfect time - a legend who
had peaked - disappearing into the
sunset... a sure way to remain a
legend. Always.
Rembrandt has a moment to think that over, as the vain Crying Prince momentarily pauses to adjust his hair (wig?) in the full-length mirror.
CRYING PRINCE (CONT'D)
When you popped up again, you sent
the whole world into chaos.
Something had to be done to
preserve the legend and save you
from yourself.
REMBRANDT
Save me? Just look at you, fool!
You couldn't save a coupon from the
Sunday paper!
The room falls deadly silent. The Prince seems stunned and crushed by the harsh criticism - being tied up, the real Rembrandt realizes this may not have been the smartest strategy.
REMBRANDT
Look, I can't sovle all this. I'm
not really your Rembrandt, so you
can untire me right now.
(the Prince is puzzled)
I came here from another dimension
and I'm leaving this Earth tomorrow
night, okay? Your Rembrandt is
dead, so you've got nothing to
worry about.
The Crying Prince seems suddenly saddened...
CRYING PRINCE
Those stories about the pills and
the booze... they musta all been
true. To see you so delusional is
a sad, sad thing.
The Crying Prince wipes away a single tear... Just as suddenly, he is upbeat again.
CRYING PRINCE (CONT'D)
I have quite a night in store for
you, sweetpea! I always dreamed
'bout what it would be like to
thrill The King by performing my
entire repertoire!
REMBRANDT
(serious, frowning)
Oh no... please... not that.
CRYING PRINCE
It's showtime till dawn, sugar
britches! I've mastered forty-two
Crying Man tunes, and you're gonna
hear them all!
(leans forward, gently
strokes Rembrandt's face)
Don't worry... I'll make sure your
final hours are happy ones.
REMBRANDT
Final hours? What does that mean -
final hours?
The Crying Prince takes a deep breath and explains...
CRYING PRINCE
I can't let you do that show
tonight and spoil everything. When
I'm done giving you my private
command performance...
(dramatic pause)
... I'm afraid I'll have to kill
you.
MOVE IN ON REMBRANDT
horrified to see that his captor is dead serious, as we...
FADE OUT
END OF ACT THREE
ACT FOUR
FADE IN:
INT. CAPTAIN JACK'S OFFICE - MORNING - ON WADE
entering the room, stifling a yawn, and carrying a tray of coffee. She passes Captain Jack; he is hatless and standing perfectly still, eyes closed, back against the wall.
WADE
What's with him?
ANGLE TO INCLUDE JACK'S SECRETARY sitting behind a desk, filing her nails.
JACK'S SECRETARY
Jack often sleeps standing up when
he's stressed. Says lying down
makes him too nervous.
Wade moves on, passing Cezanne, who is sleeping on the couch (in normal fashion) unitl she comes to Quinn and Arturo. Quinn has opened the back of Jack's desktop computer, and is intently working on its insides with a screwdriver...
WADE
Coffee?
ARTURO
You are a lifesaver, Miss Welles.
Wade hands the Professor a cup - Quinn shakes his head 'no thanks', intently continuing to work the computer.
WADE
Plan on getting any rest?
QUINN
Can't afford to rest. We Slide
in twelve hours - if we don't find
Rembrandt by then...
His voice trails off, they all know the score.
ARTURO
Fortunately for us, young Mr.
Mallory possesses considerable
"hacking" skills. If we can just
get this computer up and running...
WADE
How's that gonna help us find
Rembrandt?
QUINN
I caught the license plate of the
guy who kidnapped him. If I can
repair this hard drive, I might be
ablve to break into the DMV files
and scan their records.
WADE
Isn't that illegal?
ARTURO
Who knows what the laws are on this
world? Let's just say ignorance is
bliss.
With a satisfied SIGH, Quinn makes a final adjustment and shuts the back of the machine up again. He moves around to the keyboard, and begins to manipulate it with incredible speed and dexterity.
CAPTAIN JACK (O.S.)
It wasn't my fault, my King!
Wade and Arturo turn to see Captain Jack is still sleeping standing up.
SECRETARY
Don't mind Jack, he talks in his
sleep alot. Usually it's about
money or food - no, usually it's
something about Rembrandt, to tell
ya the truth.
QUINN
Oh no.
WADE
What is it?
QUINN
These files are garbled...
(looks at Wade)
They have a data encription
scheme, as a safeguard against
someone like me.
WADE
Can you overcome it?
QUINN
Maybe. But it's gonna take a
while.
The Sliders exchange uncomfortable glances - they know that time is rapidly running out.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY - TIGHT ON CRYING PRINCE
nearing the end of a frightening, herky-jerky version of the Rembrandt Brown standard: Slap me, Love me...
CRYING PRINCE (SINGING)
Slap me - love me - grab me - bump
me - takes your love to really
stump me - whip me - kick me -
stroke me - lick me - a girl like
you can really trick me...
(booming out the climax)
Slap me, love meeeeee, yeah!
He ends in a sweeping bow as the BLARING prerecorded MUSIC reaches crescendo.
ANGLE TO INCLUDE REMBRANDT still tied to a chair, now wearing a gag. Other than what seems to be a frown, we can't really tell what his reaction is.
CRYING PRINCE
Ooh, ooh, did I nail that or what?
Nobody sings Slap Me, Love Me like
The Crying Prince! Nobody, and
that includes you!
The Crying Prince stands over his captive, hands on his hips; Rembrandt, who seems to be simmering, tries to say something, but the gag is muffling all the words.
CRYING PRINCE (CONT'D)
Remember that old saying "don't say
anything if you don't have anything
nice to say"? Well so far,
cupcake, all your critiques have
been quite disrespectful.
Rembrandt answers heatedly - again the words are stifled by the gag.
CRYING PRINCE (CONT'D)
You want another chance? Well, the
Crying Prince is nothing if not
merciful. Now I'm gonna remove
this gag... but you better be nice.
The sensitive Crying Prince ginerly removes the gag... and holds his breath as Rembrandt fumes for a moment, collecting his angry throughts before offering a resposne.
REMBRANDT
You can't imagine what it's like to
watch song after song - songs of
brilliance, that I wrote from the
heart - BUTCHERED by a third rate
Little Richard!!
CRYING PRINCE
Little who?
REMBRANDT
Never mind! You are shaming my
good name man, I don't know any
other way to say it --
The Crying Prince quickly stuffs the gag back in Rembrandt's mouth.
CRYING PRINCE
I'm sure you'll become enlightened
as the day wears on. If not...
(leans forward, menacing)
... your lack of taste will die
with you!
INT. CAPTAIN JACK'S OFFICE - DAY - QUINN
is still at the computer, hacking away, moving through records at breakneck speed. Captain Jack has rejoined the land of the conscious; he is pacing back and forth, periodically peering over Quinn's shoulder.
CAPTAIN JACK
Can't you hurry it up, kid! The
poor King is out there somewhere,
abducted by hooligans! I can't
stand to think of how he must be
suffering.
ARTURO
Oh give it a rest! You're not
worried about Rembrandt - you're
concerned about the show.
CAPTAIN JACK
(sarcastic)
Why should I worry about the show?
Just because there are millions
riding... billions watching... and
my entire career hanging in the
balance?
Just thinking about it has filled The Captain with terror. He grabs his coat, and his secretary.
CAPTAIN JACK (CONT'D)
I'm heading down to the stage.
We've gotta start lining up
replacement acts, just in case.
(to Sliders)
I'm counting on you to find him -
the keys to my jeep are on the
kitchen counter.
Jack and the secretary exit. Seconds later, Quinn's eyes light up...
QUINN
Got it!
His companions gather round the screen. Quinn indicates the California plate Crybaby, showing up on the screen next to a name and address.
WADE
Terry Kyle, 12 Maple Street, Fresno
California. That's quite a drive!
QUINN
(shutting off computer)
Well then we'd better get moving.
EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET - DUSK - THE SLIDERS
approach the front door of a modest little house on a residential street.
QUINN
We're dealing with kidnappers.
We'd better be ready for anything.
WADE
Quinn... is that the car they took
Rembrandt in?
Quinn looks to where she's pointing - a Toyota sits in the driveway, with the California plate Crybaby.
QUINN
(crestfallen)
No. It was a red Caddy - just like
Rembrandt's.
The front door opens and a little bald guy steps onto the porch.
LITTLE BALD GUY
Can I help you?
ARTURO
We're uh... looking for Terry Kyle.
LITTLE BALD GUY
I'm Terry Kyle. You saw the ad
about the doll? Just a second.
He disappears into the house for a moment... then steps back out with a toy little girl doll in his hands. The doll's face is scrunched up, as if she is throwing a tantrum and crying up a storm...
LITTLE BALD GUY (CONT'D)
My greatest invention - The
Crybaby. So lifelike, you won't
believe your ears...
He pulls the string in the doll's back and it begins to WAIL like a banshee. Terry Kyle smiles at the Sliders, then pulls the string again - this time, the crying is more of a HALTING SOB...
LITTLE BALD GUY
Can't buy it in stores. Cries
fifteen different ways - perfect
for today's child, who demands
realism in their toys.
QUINN
I think... we've come to the wrong
place. Sorry.
The indignant little man gets back inside - the Sliders head back to Jack's Jeep.
WADE
How could you have gotten the wrong
plate?
QUINN
(sighs)
I saw the lettering but it was too
dark to get a handle on the colors!
It must've been an out of state
plate.
WADE
So what do we do now?
QUINN
There's nothing we can do. I can
only access California cars - we're
stuck.
ARTURO
(deep in thought)
Maybe not. I'm beginning to
believe the answer has always been
right before our eyes.
All eyes turn to Arturo.
ARTURO (CONT'D)
A red Cadillac... plates that say
Crybaby... what does that remind
you of?
It dawns on Quinn and Wade at the same instant.
QUINN/WADE
The Crying Man convention!
INT. BACKSTAGE - NIGHT - CAPTAIN JACK IS ON THE PHONE
speaking to Quinn and company. He is wearing a tuxedo, cowboy boots and hat - we can hear the sound of Pequeno doing Stairway to Heaven in the background.
QUINN (O.S.)
We're just arriving at the Oakland
Hilton - so sit tight.
CAPTAIN JACK
Sit tight! I'm using up all my
acts and the natives are getting
restless! Hurry, dammitt!
(frowns)
Hey, are you using my car phone?
I'm hanging up!
Jack takes a moment to catch his breath and mop his brow. The ugly sound of BOOING is rising up from around the corner, half-drowing out the stilted Zeppelin.
INT. HOTEL FRONT LOBBY - NIGHT - THE SLIDERS
approach the front desk, passing an Albino Crying Man and a 300 pound Crying Man, standing by a lobby sign reading "Welcome Crying Men." Quinn gets the attention of the young lady behind the counter - she offers him a little more than a friendly smile to the annoyance of Wade...
QUINN
We're looking for one of the
impersonators, drives a flashy red
Caddy. It's an emergency - can you
help us?
INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT - TIGHT ON THE CRYING
PRINCE
who has just finished another song - tears are streaming down his cheeks... the bound and gagged Rembrandt rolls his eyes in exhausted exasperation.
CRYING PRINCE
I saw that! You still don't get
it, do you? Well I've had it with
your bad attitude and your
ungrateful responses.
REMBRANDT
(muffled, through the
gag)
Ungrateful! You're planning to
kill me!!
CRYING PRINCE
Quite right. And the time has come
- I'm sick of unreciprocated love.
The Prince opens the balcony window wide, then begins to push a struggling Rembrandt toward it...
CRYING PRINCE
The poor King. Making a comeback
was just too much for him... so he
had to leap to his death from the
fifteenth floor.
A terrified Rembrandt is almost to the window when the two men hear the shocking sound of someone unlocking the door from the hallway, with a key card...
The door flies open, and the other Sliders burst in, accompanied by the girl from the front desk. The astonished Prince backs away, trying to look innocent, as Quinn and Wade race to Rembrandt and hurriedly untie him.
The moment Rembrandt is free, he moves toward the Prince, fire in his eyes. The Prince is backpeddling and flashing a nervous smile...
CRYING PRINCE
Now hang on there a minute King...
You know I had not real intention of
killing ya. I was just trying to
scare you into retiring again. No
hard feelings sugar, okay?
Rembrandt decks the Crying Prince with a crisp right, knocking his wig right off.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. THE CAPITOL THEATRE - NIGHT - ON THE MARQUEE
whose giant letters proclaim: Rembrandt Brown
The King returns and The Whole World is Watching!
INT. BACKSTAGE DRESSING ROOM - REMBRANDT
is decked out in a cool blue tux. He is having make-up applied as a nervous Captain Jack goes over the itinerary. The clock on the wall reads 9:49.
And from there, Jack goes into what Remmy is to sing...just like we saw.
But I know what you're asking...if that's how it was originally meant to be, then where did the real King play into it?
As Rembrandt is getting ready after Jack leaves the room...the double was supposed to walk in...
REMBRANDT 2 slowly circles our Rembrandt, studying him up and down.
REMBRANDT 2
You really do look like me, I'll
give ya that. How'd you do it,
plastic surgery?
REMBRANDT
(dazed)
No, nothing like that. But I
thought...you were dead?
REMBRANDT 2
So did the rest of the world - till
you came along.
From there, the conversation finishes as we saw...with Rembrandt 2 telling our Rembrandt that he can have it. And the end of the episode is the same as we saw...with Rembrandt 2 jumping in at the last minute to become The King again.
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